October

This month feels like four months jammed into one. Many things are happening, too many at the same time.

I took on the gargantuan task of organizing my very first guitar concert with four other guitarists, and a young tenor. This will take place on Sunday, October 18th at Church of the Assumption. It was a monumental challenge, having to arrange so many aspects of the show, coordinate all the different people involved - lights, sound, bar, musicians. Then there was trying to get sponsorship which did not work out so well. Add to that trying to push ticket sales and I can honestly say that booking a gig is a piece of cake as compared to organizing a concert of your very own. It's going to be a good show, we've been rehearsing since August, but has it been a tiring and challenging experience.

Right after that, we move house, October 28th which also happens to the be the anniversary of my Dad's death. What a weird thing to say, what a strange thing to have to live with - someone's death. And packing up after living an entire life in this house is no easy task. But I am looking forward to building new memories in a new neighbourhood. There's some things you can't change, and the fact is that St. James has become a dump, a mechanics' haven and not a single government authority cares about the residents who are still living here enough to enforce the law or proper zoning. Welcome to Trinidad I guess.

Packing up, throwing out and unpacking is very time consuming, it's refreshing and sad at the same time. I'll be glad when November arrives.

I do have a little ray of sunshine, well, it's a big one actually. For the first time in five years, I've found someone. I'm in-love again and it's a great feeling, and she has come into my life at the right time, when all around me is change and chaos. She is my little piece of serenity and joy.

Peace and happiness in the midst of all these life changes is a good thing to have.

This story is unfolding as we all go along our merry little way.

Morning, morning but evening and goodnight

In Trinidad, most strangers in the neighbourhood and all offices throughout the country tell you 'Good Morning', it's something that hasn't changed much over the years here and for that I'm grateful.

Most in fact will tell you 'Morning, morning' to which most people will also reply 'Morning, morning'.

Why it's said twice is beyond me.

But what's even more peculiar is that this is not continued for other salutations such as 'Afternoon', 'Evening' and 'Goodnight'. There's only one of each.

But why two 'Mornings'?

It is one of the few peculiar things of our culture that I really enjoy.

Clearing the skeletons and giving them a name

So in light of us moving and selling (even though we don't know where we're going to), we've been sitting down and talking as a family about certain things in the past, this house, the neighbourhood and what it's deteriorated to and just everything that's happened over decades living here.

In airing out our fears about the sale, this house and our family history we finally came to an understanding - my Mom, my sis and I and it was a very good thing. Finally we understood what we each wanted from selling and moving, and finally after months of talking and debating, we had some level of peace of mind.

And it's ridiculous the stuff that we're finding that's not been used for decades, stuff that we're just giving away. It's amazing what one family can accumulate over 50 years.

We're the only family that ever lived in this house, built in 1966 and now we're leaving because our neighbourhood (St. James) became 'mechanics-ville' over a few years ago and now I have to haggle to get in and out of my driveway daily. And this country being how it is, appealing to the authorities to get proper zoning and help is like trying to get pork to taste like fish. Absolutely pointless.

So forget that idea, if you can't change your neighbours' way of thinking then you got to change your neighbourhood.

It has not been easy, this sale. For one we haven't found a house that we liked, after viewing ten properties for sale and rent. Then desperation set in on my part. Now, we're almost at the point where we've run out of time, the sale will close and we may have to rent back our own house but, in the space of one week, we made two offers on two separate houses. One we really like, the other one we were rejected in a bidding war.

The joke with the one we like is this -we can't afford it, we've offered way below the asking price.

So now is a time for a miracle.

But this entire process has been a very interesting one and a real test of faith and patience.

Aware

Are you aware? Do you feel when things shift in your personal atmosphere or are you asleep?

Clueless?

I've heard there's varying degrees of awareness, that most of us are still asleep. Some of us are waking up, others are fully cognizant of what they're doing and what impact their words and actions have on themselves and others.

And yet others have no clue at all that any of this 'mindful stuff' even exists. Everything is completely out of control for them and they're just reacting to it all.

I'd like to think that I'm somewhere on the 'upper-in-between' level.

Not quite there yet, still a bit reactionary but better at keeping things together.

I don't really meditate that much, I often fall asleep you see while that's happening. But, what I have been doing is observing more, biting my tongue in most cases unless it is absolutely necessary to say something. Observing my reactions and questioning why do I 'do that'? And so far it's been a very interesting discovery.

I believe when you show people what irks you, then they only do that very thing even more to annoy you. It's the messed up part of human nature that I will never understand, that sadistic part in all of us that gets a kick out of hurting someone.

It's all ego you see. When my ego is hurt, I will defend myself at all costs, even if it means hurting you in return.

But I've also realized something about myself - whenever I'm hurt or offended I cower inside, I retreat. In the past I would just stay there, nowadays I reflect and see what's hurting me and then I try my best to let it go.

If it's a friend who has said something unkind then I leave them alone for a bit. If it's an uncomfortable situation I just let it be for a while. I find other things to occupy my time, I'm quite good at finding stuff to do. I think everyone should be aware of how their words and actions impact on people. In doing so, more often that not the situation rectifies itself. In some cases, the wrong party realizes their mistakes and apologizes.

So I do think that we all can make an effort to be more aware of how our actions and words affect those around us. It's not impossible, for some that is.

For many unfortunately, I don't that will ever happen. Most people have a clueless, expectant attitude that it's their right to be blunt, sarcastic and abrasive.

To me however, that could never be right.

I believe in diplomacy.

Something unfortunately, many people including some of my friends, lack.

Fear

Fear.

It has kept you in line for decades. You have questioned every move out of fear.

It is the picture frame through which you stare.

You make every decision with fear as your guide and council.

An entire lifetime of fear and the anxiety of fear.

A whole life of towing the line, always being the good daughter. Always being in the shadow of your sibling.

Never expressing your emotions to anyone.

An entire lifetime of being stuck in the middle of your mother and your husband hating each other.

Ignoring it and sweeping it all under the carpet to get the chores of the house done.

The house and responsibilities became your prison. And now, it's all you know.

Never questioning why to see if perhaps your way of thinking is wrong, that maybe there's another truth, not the one that you are telling yourself. Maybe there is in fact a more balanced truth, one that is closer to reality.

But you can't see it, it's too late.

Anxiety and fear dine with you at every meal, it kisses you goodnight and wakes with you in the morning.

Fear is all you know.

And if it is one thing that I have recently learnt from all of this, is that I will not live in fear.

Don't believe that inner voice

I have this voice in my head.

It says to me many things about my guitar playing like - 'why even bother to try, you'll never get better at playing guitar, you'll never master the harder techniques, you'll never be a faster guitar player, you're just not cut out to be great, you're mediocre at best, you suck.'

Where love is concerned this voice tells me - 'you know YOU have a lot of issues to deal with so best to stay single, you'll never find someone, you will be single the rest of your life, the kind of person you're looking for doesn't exist.'

Regarding my career, this voice in my head says - 'You'll never get anywhere, your music is too weird, only a handful of friends say they 'like' your music, you're wasting your time, best to quit and get a regular job.'

I hear this voice all the time, the voice of fear and doom, of safety and comfort.

And you know what? I'm starting to ignore this voice, and continue on in every area, even if I'm lying to myself to get through.

And you know what else?

By Jove it's working. Small improvements are clearing the pollution in my head.

I'm now seeing it, the voice has been lying all along and I'm finding out the real truth.

Never give up.

No matter what.

Champions League 6/6/2015 - Juve vs Barca

It's their second Treble, no other European team in history has ever won two Trebles. For Barca, they've won La Liga, the Copa del Rey and now the Champions League all in one year - AGAIN! First in 2009 with Pep Guardiola and now in 2015 with Luis Enrique. Both former Barca players from the same era, both friends.

Not only was this final special as it had my two favourite teams (although I'm a bit more partial to Barca but I am a huge fan of Andrea Pirlo and Juve) but also because both teams were on a domestic Double looking for their own European Treble.

It was historic for both teams, both first time managers at each club - Massimiliano Allegri and Luis Enrique. Both seem like really decent guys who know a lot about football. I was ecstatic that Juve had ousted Real Madrid (although a Clasico final would've been magnificent but only if Barca had routed Real in the end), and I was overjoyed that Barca had beat Bayern to get to the final.

Now the final itself came and started, and Barca took the lead after four minutes, and then the match exploded with pace, from one end of the pitch to the other. Both teams playing attacking football. Oh, it was beautiful, absolutely mesmerizing.

I hate defensive football where sides 'park the bus' (a few EPL teams will come to mind here), and this was not that at all.

This was full-on war. Fire, speed and guts. Ebb and Flow. At certain points in the first half I thought Barca would have three more goals, but Gigi Buffon did a great job saving his team. In the second half I thought Juve were the better side for well over 15 minutes, they played with so much gusto. After they equalized in the 55th minute with Morata's goal, I thought they were going for the jugular and they did, but no luck.

Luck however swung back Barca's way with Leo Messi and Luis Suarez getting the winning goal in the 68th minute. Messi is a magician and Suarez is a fighter who seizes opportunity, a real asset to the team this season. Neymar sealed the deal in the 97th minute and then it was smiles and jubilation for Barca and tears for Juve.

I was really happy for Barca but I was also sad for Juve. But I guess both teams can't win.

It was well fought final, one with top class performances on display. I remember my disappointment when Dortmund ran out of steam against Bayern in 2013, and I recall my disbelief when Atletico choked in last year's final against their wealthier rivals Real, it was heartbreaking for them seeing as there were only two minutes left in injury time, but it wasn't a well played final, it looked sloppy at best.

But not this year. This year's final between two great teams - Juve and Barca, was just absolutely brilliant.

Barca was the better team, the stronger team with an unstoppable front three in Messi, Suarez and Neymar. Their midfield dictated the game and their defenses held, as they did so many other times this season.

Juve were strong and fast, but Barca held on, and were better in the end when it counted.

This was a great final.

One that I will remember for years to come.

Thanks guys.