Clearing the skeletons and giving them a name

So in light of us moving and selling (even though we don't know where we're going to), we've been sitting down and talking as a family about certain things in the past, this house, the neighbourhood and what it's deteriorated to and just everything that's happened over decades living here.

In airing out our fears about the sale, this house and our family history we finally came to an understanding - my Mom, my sis and I and it was a very good thing. Finally we understood what we each wanted from selling and moving, and finally after months of talking and debating, we had some level of peace of mind.

And it's ridiculous the stuff that we're finding that's not been used for decades, stuff that we're just giving away. It's amazing what one family can accumulate over 50 years.

We're the only family that ever lived in this house, built in 1966 and now we're leaving because our neighbourhood (St. James) became 'mechanics-ville' over a few years ago and now I have to haggle to get in and out of my driveway daily. And this country being how it is, appealing to the authorities to get proper zoning and help is like trying to get pork to taste like fish. Absolutely pointless.

So forget that idea, if you can't change your neighbours' way of thinking then you got to change your neighbourhood.

It has not been easy, this sale. For one we haven't found a house that we liked, after viewing ten properties for sale and rent. Then desperation set in on my part. Now, we're almost at the point where we've run out of time, the sale will close and we may have to rent back our own house but, in the space of one week, we made two offers on two separate houses. One we really like, the other one we were rejected in a bidding war.

The joke with the one we like is this -we can't afford it, we've offered way below the asking price.

So now is a time for a miracle.

But this entire process has been a very interesting one and a real test of faith and patience.

Fear

Fear.

It has kept you in line for decades. You have questioned every move out of fear.

It is the picture frame through which you stare.

You make every decision with fear as your guide and council.

An entire lifetime of fear and the anxiety of fear.

A whole life of towing the line, always being the good daughter. Always being in the shadow of your sibling.

Never expressing your emotions to anyone.

An entire lifetime of being stuck in the middle of your mother and your husband hating each other.

Ignoring it and sweeping it all under the carpet to get the chores of the house done.

The house and responsibilities became your prison. And now, it's all you know.

Never questioning why to see if perhaps your way of thinking is wrong, that maybe there's another truth, not the one that you are telling yourself. Maybe there is in fact a more balanced truth, one that is closer to reality.

But you can't see it, it's too late.

Anxiety and fear dine with you at every meal, it kisses you goodnight and wakes with you in the morning.

Fear is all you know.

And if it is one thing that I have recently learnt from all of this, is that I will not live in fear.

Don't believe that inner voice

I have this voice in my head.

It says to me many things about my guitar playing like - 'why even bother to try, you'll never get better at playing guitar, you'll never master the harder techniques, you'll never be a faster guitar player, you're just not cut out to be great, you're mediocre at best, you suck.'

Where love is concerned this voice tells me - 'you know YOU have a lot of issues to deal with so best to stay single, you'll never find someone, you will be single the rest of your life, the kind of person you're looking for doesn't exist.'

Regarding my career, this voice in my head says - 'You'll never get anywhere, your music is too weird, only a handful of friends say they 'like' your music, you're wasting your time, best to quit and get a regular job.'

I hear this voice all the time, the voice of fear and doom, of safety and comfort.

And you know what? I'm starting to ignore this voice, and continue on in every area, even if I'm lying to myself to get through.

And you know what else?

By Jove it's working. Small improvements are clearing the pollution in my head.

I'm now seeing it, the voice has been lying all along and I'm finding out the real truth.

Never give up.

No matter what.