We all have this habit of looking back at the past and wishing we were still there. Funny thing is, we were probably not fully enjoying that moment anyway when it was happening back then. It's only appreciated when it's gone and some worse experience comes along, so in it's relative state, the past was great only when compared to the present.
It's like when we leave a place - home, for example, and dream of coming back one day, only to realize that it will never be the same. It might look the same and certain aspects of it may well be exactly as before, but it's not.
Things have changed, you've changed. Home, then outside and now you're between two worlds, with a different view.
It messes up your head, this double-sided view. You're not too sure which one is real, the old picture you had in your head, or this new reality of what once was, now all but lost to the idolized memories in your head and heart.
Your friends change, they move on with their lives, you move on, you all grow apart, you meet new friends, you change career paths, you don't see much people anymore, you stay indoors pretty often, just writing and practicing your craft. And suddenly, you look back on the last ten years of your life and wonder how many lifetimes are you living - one or three?
Perhaps it's all the travelling? It's a time-zone thing. While you're outside people at home have no real clue what you're doing. And when you're home, the outside world carries on just fine without you. You straddle two-worlds and live three places - here, there and on a plane.
You yearn for stability, but miss the fun of the road. You suffer withdrawal syndrome and homesickness, all in the same week. The old stable, 'safe' life seems like twenty years ago. Friends admire the freedom and risks but would never do anything so crazy with their lives - forego safety to pursue a dream that is not secure nor financially viable.
Your father tells you that you have to stick to the path you're on, too late to turn back now. The new you was born out of a love tragedy, you don't even recognize your former self. You wonder how differently your life turned out from what you had initially planned. But in all objectivity, it's pretty darn nifty, albeit a bit scary.
You can in fact, never turn back. This is a one-way fare your purchased and your ticket in non-refundable. The old life has disappeared and along with it, the old job, the old safety net, and a life of predictability.
Anything can go wrong at anytime and you have no control of what comes your way, only the response given.
The slate is almost wiped clean again and the road is pretty much open.
Where you go next, it totally up to you.
How scary indeed.
It's like when we leave a place - home, for example, and dream of coming back one day, only to realize that it will never be the same. It might look the same and certain aspects of it may well be exactly as before, but it's not.
Things have changed, you've changed. Home, then outside and now you're between two worlds, with a different view.
It messes up your head, this double-sided view. You're not too sure which one is real, the old picture you had in your head, or this new reality of what once was, now all but lost to the idolized memories in your head and heart.
Your friends change, they move on with their lives, you move on, you all grow apart, you meet new friends, you change career paths, you don't see much people anymore, you stay indoors pretty often, just writing and practicing your craft. And suddenly, you look back on the last ten years of your life and wonder how many lifetimes are you living - one or three?
Perhaps it's all the travelling? It's a time-zone thing. While you're outside people at home have no real clue what you're doing. And when you're home, the outside world carries on just fine without you. You straddle two-worlds and live three places - here, there and on a plane.
You yearn for stability, but miss the fun of the road. You suffer withdrawal syndrome and homesickness, all in the same week. The old stable, 'safe' life seems like twenty years ago. Friends admire the freedom and risks but would never do anything so crazy with their lives - forego safety to pursue a dream that is not secure nor financially viable.
Your father tells you that you have to stick to the path you're on, too late to turn back now. The new you was born out of a love tragedy, you don't even recognize your former self. You wonder how differently your life turned out from what you had initially planned. But in all objectivity, it's pretty darn nifty, albeit a bit scary.
The new you loses heart sometimes and lives in constant fear of being a failure and dying alone.
But it's too late to hit reverse.
You can in fact, never turn back. This is a one-way fare your purchased and your ticket in non-refundable. The old life has disappeared and along with it, the old job, the old safety net, and a life of predictability.
Anything can go wrong at anytime and you have no control of what comes your way, only the response given.
The slate is almost wiped clean again and the road is pretty much open.
Where you go next, it totally up to you.
How scary indeed.
Hey - Gosh.
ReplyDeleteI felt like this reading your blog was you pointing fingers at me and going, "Um, you over there, always living in the past, this post is for you," and "Um, you over there, not sure if you're Guyanese or Trini or neither, this post is for you." I guess it means that, no matter what it is that we're going through, there are always people out there who can relate and that just means that we can never be alone.
You are absolutely right, though, control is not the point. The open road of life is the point... I hope your road takes you everywhere, Cesco.
Tricia.
P.S. We all miss ya at Write Club :) Come back soooon.