The will to carry on

The last few years have been rather unprecedented for me because of the number of personal losses that I have experienced.

I have lost schoolmates and friends, my father, my longest standing friend as well as a few musician comrades along the way.

Some have died from natural causes and a couple of friends were murdered. Some were sudden deaths,  others like in the case of my father, it was watching him slip away three weeks after his first and only surgery.

Just recently in May of this year my favourite Grunge singer - Chris Cornell committed suicide, he was only 52 but then on what would have been his 53rd birthday, July 20th, another singer - Chester Bennington committed suicide by hanging as well.

I can't help but feel that maybe I was naive for so long, thinking that all my friends, family and comrades and people that I admired would always be around me all my life. Or if not around me, perhaps in my life one way or another.

If anything, what I have learned over these last three years is that life is absolutely impermanent, always changing and nothing can ever be taken for granted, because as the saying goes 'here today, gone tomorrow'.

I do find that I have a hard time with death, I go through initial periods of shock and grief and then I try to carry on, but then there are days where I sit and think about all who have gone to the other side and I think that life is just not the same and that I don't know how to continue, I don't know how to be happy sometimes.

Perhaps it never will be the same, and that's the sad part.

The hard part is getting up everyday and putting my best foot forward, not because I want to, but because those who have gone would want me to 'keep on keeping on', as Al Green would say.

And that is the hardest part of life, keeping on when you have less and less loved ones to travel that road of life with you.

But, I'm starting a new chapter in my life soon and I have to think that this is the most important part of my life, and yes life will never be the same, but I have so much more to give and to live for, I have so much to look forward to, that I just can't give up now, I can't stop trying now.

I remember the line from a very sad movie about a child kidnapping once, the choir sang 'If the song is to be sung, then we must keep on singing'.

So, in loving memory of Damien So'Brien, Rawle Francis, Paul Emmanuel, Andrew Moffat, Justin Lee and George Elias; I gotta keep doing what I do.

May you all rest in peace.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

God be with you.

The problem with music

You see, the problem with music is this - we musicians want to spend our lives making music, we want to be those people that we grew up listening to, we want to be our idols, our heroes.

We want to be big rock stars, touring the globe, jet setting all around the world, jumping from stage to stage, tour bus to tour bus. We want to be rich, have a big house with a pool.

We want it all.

The problem is, most of us don't have a clue how to get there.

The problem is, we have no idea, looking in from the outside what it all entails, what is involved in getting to that point - how many years it takes to make it 'big', how many shows need to be played for minimal or no pay at all, we have no idea what's the right combination or formula of fans, shows, merchandise, marketing, record sales, etc needed to make a decent living off of music.

Then if we get to that point where money starts coming in, how many extra players are involved - publishers, publicists, managers, booking agents, record labels? And what is their cut from our piece of the pie?

The music biz is not exactly a tried and true formula - if you do x, then y will happen. It's not like that at all.

It's not like a regular job that you go to school for, if you study chemistry you will get a job in a chemical field. It's not fool-proof at all.

The music industry is not as well laid out as that. It's a maze, with many paths and the problem is, all us amateur or semi-pro musicians are all trying to get a piece of the pie, but we might not have the right utensils, heck even many pro musicians are struggling financially.

And how do you continue in a field of work if the income is haphazard and sporadic? Which other professional field do you ever hear of people selling or giving away their services for 'exposure'? Do you ever hear of a newly graduated doctor or lawyer giving away their services cheaply?

And you think that would discourage everyone to get out of this business, but no, the opposite is happening.

And the question is 'why'?

And the only answer is that the love of music, is irrational at best.

And perhaps all us musicians are irrational at best.

And maybe that's our problem.

But how else do we solve it? It's either we get off the boat, or just keep on with it.

Whether we make it big, or just tinkle away in our rooms, music is such a joy.

Cesco Emmanuel Demo Reel

Disappointment and the Headless Chickens

I remember reading in the bible that if you put your trust in man, you will always be disappointed. Put your trust in God, and he will never fail you. Everyone will disappoint you - family, friends, loved ones. Even the ones you don't expect.

A friend of mine keeps on saying that he is in the fight of his life and nobody seems to care. It's hard to hear when he says that because people do genuinely care, it's just that sometimes they don't know how to help.

Somedays I myself feel as if I am in the fight of my life. Fight to make ends meet, fight to stay positive and keep on sending out those resumes for that 'perfect job', fight to keep on practicing guitar although most days I keep on hearing those voices in my head saying that I will never get better at certain flaws in my playing - an old high-school friend of mine, another great guitarist told me that we have technically missed the boat, that we should have been wood-shedding in our teens, not in our forties, that it is too late to master the guitar.

Maybe it's the stubborn side of me, but I'm still trying to perfect the guitar.

Trying to fail or failing to try?

But it is hard to keep trying when there's no sign of improvement, when there's no blue skies on the horizon. It's hard when you almost seem to run out of options. When you keep on trying different things but the end result is always the same - failure, no vacancy, no work, nothing.

I wonder if most people feel like headless chickens? Just going through the day. wishing they could get a better pay or even a decent job but they don't know where to start? Knowing that they have potential but they don't know how to realize it. I wonder if most people are bitter because they too, tried so hard but fell flat on their face many a time. I often wonder if the average person is just going through the motions of life, wishing for something better, but with no real clue of how to get to that better place.

I know the old saying, 'You only fail when you stop trying'.

But I tell you my dear reader, it is truly hard to keeping trying after multiple failures, and I do think it's only natural to want to just give up and just be satisfied with just 'existing'.

Maybe that's whom most people are anyway - just disappointed headless chickens that have lost the fight and are fed up getting back in the ring.

'The act of a noble warrior, who lost the will to fight' - 'The Pass' by RUSH.

Dancing on the quicksand

Sometimes life seems to spiral out of control and no matter what you do, you can't seem to get the hang of it.

Things just come from all sides - financial woes, job loss, illness and death of family and friends. The minute you recover from one thing you get hit with something else. It's almost as if you're cursed. It's almost as if somebody really big out there hates you and is throwing a shit-storm your way.

Of course as if to make matters more damning, anything you try seems to only work a little bit, or worse yet, fail outright. And you look around and other people are getting ahead just fine, but you are just seeing hell.

Oh sure, you can blame the economy, you can blame a number of things on circumstance and mere coincidence. You can blame yourself for not having enough foresight, hindsight, sheer common sense and intuition. But what good is that doing? Can any of that turn back the clock? Save you the painful experience?

Did you think you were somehow immune to the crappy part of life? Did you think that bad things happened to other people but not you? Did you think about how you could not even imagine any of this nonsense happening but it is indeed in fact, happening?

Do you think maybe you should leave it in the hands of God and forget about it only for something else to compound matters and bring you right back to the #1 square?

How much do you blame yourself? How much do you blame others?

Just how much of this has affected you physically? Mentally? How much of this has been imbedded in your subconscious? How has your sleep been affected?

Is this a spiritual battle? Are evil spirits lurking around just waiting to devour a weak version of yourself?

What is really the truth behind the entire situation? And more importantly, when will all of this end?

So what do you do? Stop trying? Give up? Roll over and play dead and hope that whatever this is, will eventually, somehow, magically pass?

The question is still waiting to be answered. The script is still being written.

So far the other side is still winning, confusion reigns supreme.

But our protagonist is hanging on tooth and nail.

Early on a morning

Early on a morning, a few days a week now, I find myself awake before my 5AM alarm goes off.

Strange but it's always the same time - 4.45AM.

I get up, shave, grab a quick shower and head out the door to a place I've seldom gone to before on a weekday.

In the past, I have woken up early to practice guitar before the sun comes up, or to read, or to cook.

But then I also go through phases where I cannot get up when my alarm goes off, I figure that's when my mind is too tired to function and I really do need sleep.

However, nowadays I'm getting up early to head to morning mass.

Before the dawn breaks is really the best time of day in my opinion. The world is still half asleep and for a brief moment, everything looks peaceful and pristine. The sun comes up over the mountains and the air is cool and smooth.

I never really thought about morning mass before, I always saw myself as a devout catholic, but a former girlfriend recommended I try going, to start the day off on a good note. And she was absolutely right.

I can honestly say that after a few weeks of going to morning mass at 5.45AM, it is the best way to begin a new day. I almost feel as if I'm going to visit an old friend at his place, that thought popped in my head last week - I'm going to see my best friend Jesus at his house, just for a half an hour.

In all sincerity, my mind does drift sometimes during the mass, but most times I'm either asking/thanking God for something.

I feel different - more at peace, and I can't describe it, because I don't think I ever felt this way before.  Maybe this is the peace that the world cannot give? Maybe that's been missing in my life.

I know now that whatever comes my way, that God is in charge, and that Jesus is with me and is riding all my storms out with me.

Thank you my dear friend Jesus.

The Freedom of Rock Music and everyone’s opinion in Trinidad and Tobago.

I  wrote this piece back in 1999 for my second year University class in Interpersonal Communication.

Music. Music is something that all of us take for granted. The time and effort that goes into painstakingly getting a piece of music from its initial embryonic stage as just an idea, no words, no melody, no particular musical pattern of arrangement; to its eventual transformation into something unique and recognizable as a song is really nothing short of a miracle.

Even though there are all types of music that exist in the world today, here in Trinidad and Tobago there are only few forms of music that are acknowledged as something worthy of listening to, from the point of view of the general public. For that matter especially any local form of ‘Rock” music is seriously discredited. Most people associate ‘rock or alternative’ as it is called these days with noisy guitars, screaming vocals and loud drums. While in some cases this maybe true, it is generally very stereotypical to label all bands or artists as playing the same thing. There are no two local original bands in Trinidad that sound alike. Each band has their own original ideas, some mix reggae with alternative, others mix calypso.

But now however there is a new movement in Trinidad to only get a particular type of music heard by everyone. There is a pop-rock movement, specifically designed to get these ‘pop’ bands to play only a particular type of material that appeases the masses. This particular type of music really as the name suggests, ‘popular songs on the radio,’ these songs are decided for these bands from a songlist, they are told what choices they have and how to play (e. g. no swearing etc.). Because these bands play whatever these promoters want as well as what the crowd wants, there is no room for any band that is trying to get their own original material heard, both from the point of view of pubs as well as the listening public.

The public has turned off its ears when it comes to original bands, ‘why are these bands wasting their time anyway, don’t they know, it’s the ‘pop covers’ that sells anyway’, (covers in the sense that other foreign artists’ music are copied and played or ‘covered’ by the pop bands) at least that’s what the majority say. While it is true that a person who has paid to be entertained deserves some value for money, it is unfair to say that a patron owns a band for a night based on the door fee anyway. A band should be allowed to express themselves to an extent because if a band isn’t playing at least some of their material to please themselves, then really and truly that band is not living to play music but to please people and make money, which is such a sad thing.

It is only when we open our mind to new ideas that we discover new ways of seeing and doing things. If we only want to satisfy existing needs then what is to transpire when those needs are satisfied? There will be nothing left, the crowds will stop coming, the pubs will stop taking bands and bands will cease to exist. In order to keep things fresh and new we must continue to be innovative, but bands cannot go on without support from people and people must understand that a band does not exist in a bubble. Bands need support and understanding on behalf of the audience; we need to be more open-minded and not so closed in that we can’t see the innovation around us. Trinidad music scene is waiting to happen, and may continue to forever wait unless we the public gets up and support our musical future.