Deep thinking

Some days I get lost in my thoughts and I spiral out of control. I feel overwhelmed and start to panic that I'm nowhere near where I would like to be.

Sometimes it can last the whole day, a few days or on the odd good occasion, just a few hours.

I am getting better at catching my mind before it heads off on towards the 'race of doom'.

This race has many slogans -

'You will never be where you want to be', 'Stop fooling yourself', 'You'll never be good enough', 'You'll never master the guitar', 'You'll never be able to support yourself, you'll always be struggling'.

It can get really bad. Well, not to the point where I don't get out of bed, but I can be in a bad mood for a while.

But I've been reminding myself recently to enjoy the present.

Stop looking so far ahead, focus on the now and plan properly for the future.

And have hope. Things never turn out the way we think it will.

Sometimes too much deep thinking can be a trap in itself.

Oh sure, think and ponder about life and all its' many facets, but sometimes if we think too much, we'll never get anywhere. We'll be trapped in our own thoughts and not doing anything about it.

Time to put thought into action.

Think and act soon(ish) I say.

Calm down

I'm not too sure if you're a bit like me?

But most times when I hear a piece of bad news, I immediately get anxious and start to think the worst.

My heart rate starts to quicken and I feel myself getting worked up. It's taken me years but nowadays I have to remind myself to keep calm. Some days I still default to panic, panic, panic.

But, I try to reassure myself that things may not be as it seems.

Of course this is not so easy when things are happening fast, when it's an emergency, when someone's health is on the line.

I've tried meditating but my mind can't focus for too long.

Everyone has a different method that works for them. Everyone has a system for centring and calming down.

I find deep breathing and saying a simple prayer helps.

And also being grateful. Being grateful is a very simple way to show appreciation and it also does put things into perspective.

A calm perspective is a good thing to have. It's not easy in the heat of the moment.

It's not easy at all.

Of course, trying to be calm about major life decisions is a whole other ball of wax. Major decisions like buying a house, changing careers, etc can be quite daunting.

And having been through both over the last few years I can only say one thing - take it one day at a time, plan, plan, re-plan, re-visit first plan, cry about foiled plan, start again, stop, re-start, curse the process.

But.

It will all come to an end.

Just stay calm, nothing lasts forever, even the crappy stuff.

Believe

Everything starts as a thought. Just like the movie 'Inception', everything is a thought.

I'd like to think that thoughts can be controlled, just like everything else, rather than the other way around.

And if our natural disposition is to think the worst, how about replacing that thought with something neutral, even positive?

Combat the negative with a positive, challenge your thought. What if your thoughts are 'wrong'? What if my thoughts are 'wrong'?

I don't have any theories or proof, but I'm trying to change my own belief system.

I trying to believe in hope. I'm trying to not jump to conclusions, or think the worst, or blame myself for everything that goes wrong.

I'm trying not to berate myself for always making the same mistakes.

I'm trying to be kind to myself and at the same time, I'm trying to be strong and believe.

Always hard to do

Hoping even when things are looking bleak is a very hard thing to do. I'm not too sure if we're wired that way as humans.

I know I'm not. Most of us, myself included always default to fear and negativity.  It's like we expect the worst. We naturally want to believe that nothing good will come our way.

Un-wiring our heads to first hope for the best, is a very difficult thing.

But I've learnt over this last few years that hope is all we have.

Just imagine for one minute, life without hope, just how sad and bleak it would be.

Believing in hope is not easy when all around is dismal.

But what choice do we have?

I mean seriously, would you or I rather live our entire lives without hope?

I find it always easier to give people advice on hope than to take that same advice for myself.

I guess the first thing to change is our way of thinking.

A to Z Challenge Theme: Hope

I've decided my theme for the A to Z challenge 2016 will be 'Hope'.

A simple concept but one that's hard to maintain.

Hope.

The mind that races

Sometimes my mind races way ahead of me. When that happens I usually start to panic about all that I have to do, about all the decisions to make. It usually ends up with me feeling completely overwhelmed.

I try to stop it sometimes but it's like a roller coaster, once it starts going downhill there's no end until it's all over.

My mind has been racing since this year started, about my career and my life. Some days are better than others, some days I am frazzled with confusion.

So many decisions and no real clear answer.

But I've had a chance to regroup and rethink a bit.

Change is in the air, I can feel it. I have a few projects that I'm starting to get off the ground that will hopefully bear fruit later this year.

I have a few key decisions to make, the kind of decisions that require a leap of faith. It won't be easy, but deep down, I know it's the right one to make.

Whenever my mind races now, I try to talk my way through it, reassuring myself that it's all going to be okay, I just haven't reached to the finish line yet so I can't truly tell what it's going to be like when I get there.

What a race indeed.

A letter to the late Scott Weiland

Dear Mr. Weiland,

I am gutted to hear about your passing, it was untimely, it was so sad but to many it was not a shock.

To me it was a shock. To me your sudden passing brings back all my memories of covering your songs in my band in Trinidad - Brothers Grimm back in 1994/95. We covered 'Plush', 'Vasoline', 'Big Empty', 'Still Remains' and 'Interstate Love Song'.

When I heard the news on Friday, I felt as if a part of my youth had died, a part of my own history.

I can't speak to your battle with drugs, I can't judge you for that. I'm sad that drugs had such a hold on you, and I will never know what hell you saw. I will never what you went through. I can only read about it in an article or two.

All I do know is that I have all of Stone Temple Pilots' albums, I listen to them religiously.

I know your songs took me places, were with me through great times of youth and perceived childish freedom, your songs were my anthem when I was going through my own rough patches. Your lyrics held my interest and your vocal melodies always inspired me.

The musicianship you had with Dean Deleo, Robert Deleo and Eric Kretz was undeniable. You guys were the modern-day Zepplin and Beatles. So many songs brought out a range of emotions in me and I was always intrigued by the tone, feel and production of each album. Not many a band can boast of six studio albums that were each well written and properly produced, usually after the third album a band falters and fades, but not you, not STP. I loved each album for a different reason.

You did it, you wrote and record great music for each record.

That's a feat in itself.

And even though I didn't know and never will, I knew a part of you with your music, and even though it sounds contrite and puny, I just wanted to say thank you Scott. Thank you for your great contribution to music. Thank you for being a part of my own musical library.

You will be forever missed.

God be with you on your journey to the next side.