Toenails, pieces of food, crumpled newspaper, shoes and socks

My late father had this great trait, he could manufacture mess and be totally unaware of it. He ate food in front of the TV, everyday, every meal.

He loved the TV, he would dress/undress in front on it. His shoes and socks were constantly in the living room. He would read the paper and have it tucked behind him so it could be pulled out at a moments' notice to double check any interesting articles.

On the odd occasion he would clip his toenails in his chair while watching TV.

All those things would drive me insane whenever I tidied up after him before any of my classes started. I would find all his 'belongings' on the floor beneath his chair.

He made a joke a few times that I had a problem with dust, probably made no sense to him why I was so 'OCD'.

The fact was his untidiness drove me nuts. I couldn't get it. How could he be happy making a mess?

And now that he's gone, I realize how futile and petty it is to get annoyed over those silly things.

Because now, there's nothing I wouldn't give to clean up his mess, as long as it meant having him back here.

I miss you dad.

The first Christmas without dad

Yesterday was the first Christmas day without my father here. It was so strange, it was sad at various times in the day and we didn't like the feeling - my mother, sister and I. But now, the day is over and I never thought I'd say this, but thank God it is. I always love Christmas, but yesterday, this entire season was too much at times.

I wonder if we'll ever get accustomed to not having dad here? I imagined him at various times throughout the day, what he'd be doing if he was here. What he must be doing in heaven now.

I believe in heaven, and I believe he's there. I just know it to myself, that he's ok. And anytime I feel terribly sad I always get a little mental relief, I don't know where it comes from, but soon after I always have this thought that dad would not want us to be unhappy, he would want us to continue what we were doing. He would want us to continue living, in his honour.

Still, it is the hardest thing to move on without those we love not being around to share in our joys and sorrows.

Everyday is a mental struggle, and some days are harder than others.

All my family and I can do is try, that's all we can do - try.