The first Christmas without dad

Yesterday was the first Christmas day without my father here. It was so strange, it was sad at various times in the day and we didn't like the feeling - my mother, sister and I. But now, the day is over and I never thought I'd say this, but thank God it is. I always love Christmas, but yesterday, this entire season was too much at times.

I wonder if we'll ever get accustomed to not having dad here? I imagined him at various times throughout the day, what he'd be doing if he was here. What he must be doing in heaven now.

I believe in heaven, and I believe he's there. I just know it to myself, that he's ok. And anytime I feel terribly sad I always get a little mental relief, I don't know where it comes from, but soon after I always have this thought that dad would not want us to be unhappy, he would want us to continue what we were doing. He would want us to continue living, in his honour.

Still, it is the hardest thing to move on without those we love not being around to share in our joys and sorrows.

Everyday is a mental struggle, and some days are harder than others.

All my family and I can do is try, that's all we can do - try.

Nobody tells you how to feel about death

Nobody tells you exactly how you should be after a death in the family.  Some offer limp words of advice, others don't say anything at all. A random few say things they don't mean. Everyone is hoping that in some way, they can ease the pain, subdue the loss that death causes.

Those who have been through this before all have the same weathered, sad-eyes. They all say the same thing - it doesn't go away, the pain, it just becomes more tolerable.

Death is that one thing that makes everyone uncomfortable, no one wants to face it. No one wants to admit that it even exists. We all just hope that death will skip our house and hit the neighbour's house instead.

But death comes to us all. It's just a matter of time. And with that in mind, it dawns on me, maybe it might occur to you someday as well, that most of what we concern ourselves with in this life is just pure and utter nonsense.

No matter who we are, what we've achieved, what's missing in our lives, what we still have left to accomplish, all our unfinished business, all our desires, fears and dreams; all of that death will take.

Death will level the playing field when it takes away from this life what once existed, but now no more.